Head in the clouds

 I've been in my thoughts a lot lately...

I feel like because I'm seeing my coworker that I hurt Ryan. He seems even more distant to me now. He is starting to feel more like a memory to me and it's sad. I wish I could feel closer to him like how things used to be, but I don't know if that will ever happen again. I don't know what to do at this point. I feel like with Ryan I'm always chasing the past...hoping for my 14-year-old self's dreams to come true. The thing is, I've always had the same dream of being with Ryan since I was a kid, basically. That will never go away. I'm almost 24 and I still have the same dream from when I was 14. Nothing has changed when it comes to how I feel. 

He haunts me like a ghost and consumes my thoughts. I know I think about him more than I should, but I can't help it. He's the one I long for. 

I feel this pull towards Ryan that I can't explain. I always think of how he feels and what he is doing. 

I can't understand my own feelings sometimes. 

Whenever I am talking to another guy/dating another guy I always feel conflicted with myself because I wonder what Ryan thinks. Then when I'm with the other guy I like to imagine it's Ryan. Like I was kissing my coworker tonight, and as I closed my eyes, I imagined it was Ryan the whole time. 

I want Ryan so bad. I just don't know what I'm doing sometimes. A lot of times I feel like I could have had Ryan and then I fuck the moment up. Like I think back to this time he was wanting to talk to me in high school, and I fumbled. Then again, in college, I felt like he was there the first night of my senior year, and I felt like he touched me, and I didn't do anything. I don't know why I'm like this. I'm trying to understand it, but I don't get it. 

Every day I think of why I didn't do anything or make a move back. I think deep down I'm scared....

Ryan will always be the love of my life, regardless of what happens. I will never forget him. Ever.....

If you are reading this, Ryan, I want you to know I love you immensely. The love I have for you is the strongest and deepest I have ever felt. Thank you for showing me what love feels like. Love is a beautiful thing for a human to experience. The love I have for you is powerful, and it consumes me. I think I'll be a hopeless romantic for you forever. I know that nobody will ever make me feel the way you do, so I'll always chase the feeling you give me. I'll always think back to moments we had just to feel that feeling again. I still hope we can be together someday. I will keep dreaming. 

xoxo-Court