It's been a while since I posted.

 It's been a while since I posted. I've been feeling more positive lately since I'm working on changing my life for the better and trying to get a new job. The job market is so bad but I'm hoping it works out for me eventually. So far, I haven't had much luck. 

But I wanted to share this beautiful song that's been in my head ever since I've heard it. It sounds so ethereal. If you are reading this Ryan, I want to make love to you while this song plays in the background. Right when the beat drops is when I want magic to happen lol. I imagine me on top of you as the beat drops and our makeout session gets more intense as we kiss each other passionately. 

I don't know if you're mad at me Ryan, because I fucked my ex-boyfriend Eric. Me and Eric still have sexual chemistry and it's just lust I feel for him basically, not love. I don't really have sex anymore. In the last year, I only did it 2 times. It was fun to do it with him since it's been a while and I haven't had good dick since the last time we fucked. Plus we are always comfortable with each other so it wasn't weird or anything. I know I will never like him like that for real though. I think he's date material for a little bit but not husband material. 

I love Ryan and no one will ever come close to him. Sometimes it seems like just a fantasy that is never going to become true. Like he will never want to love me in the same way I want him. The only time I can have amazing experiences that feel real with him is in my dreams. It is quite sad. I long for him but part of me feels like he is moving on possibly. I don't know but I hope he comes around eventually. I wish he knew how much he consumed me. I think of him 24/7. He made an implant in my mind and my heart, and it's never been the same since. If you are reading this Ryan, I love you, forever. 

xoxo-Courtney