First Love

I thought of that 96 year old woman that said she will never love anyone else like how she loved her first love. I've been thinking about this statement a lot and how it relates to you Ryan. I will never love anyone as much as you, as powerful as you. Sometimes I wonder if you forgot me like I'm just a past memory to you. I will never forget you. No matter how much I have tried dating other people in my lifetime, I only want you. I think about you constantly. No one else will ever fulfill me as much as you. You are my dream guy and no one can take your place. I miss you a lot and long for you to lay beside me in bed at night so I feel protected by your energy. My soul longs for you. It's you who I crave. It's you who I desire. I imagine every day how it would be if we were together. 

I'm talking to this guy Josh right now who I met in college. We hang out here and there and mostly he just comes to hang out with me on my lunch break. I saw him today and we just cuddled in my car. But it's like when I was in the moment I couldn't stop thinking of you. I was thinking of how the chemistry and passion is lacking with Josh. It all just feels casual to me. It's not the deep love I crave. I don't really have feelings for him like how I do for you Ryan. I just don't think I can feel anything for anyone else since I'm so in love with you. It's not even close to how you make me feel. The dude has like no experience with girls either so he doesn't even know how to touch me and we haven't fucked yet either. I don't want to fuck him yet since I'm not sure about it as well. But it's like every guy who I try to date/see, I just feel nothing. Then I think of you Ryan. I imagine everything with you and I only want you at the end of the day. 

You were my first love, my only real love. I will never get over you because I can't. There's just something so special about the love we have. Even if you were only in love with me in high school secretly, that was enough to make me fall in love with you for my lifetime. I remember that night we kissed for hours nonstop. That was the most connected I ever felt to anyone. You were the best kisser I've ever kissed. Nothing has ever come close to that night. I've thought of that night every day ever since. It was the best night of my life, the most meaningful. You could have just seen that as a steamy makeout but I saw it as a lot more. It was a spiritual energetic moment I shared with you. Your energy was the most unique and beautiful I've ever felt. Me and you have a deep love that is not comparable to anything I've ever felt before I met you. 

I fear that you will never love me in the same way that I love you. That you will never want a life with me. It's very sad for me because I know I will never love anyone as much as you. I hope that one day you will give me a chance. I wish you knew how much you consume me. You are all I ever think about. I love you more than you will ever know Ryan Kelly. 

xoxo-Court