You are a forever kind of love

 As we enter fall, I can't help feeling the cold, not just in the air, but in my heart. My heart aches for you Ryan, every minute of every day. I'm tired of feeling alone and I'm tired of holding my stuffed animal moose as if he were you. I wish I could have you, or at least get to experience your presence again for just one more time. Just that one time would be worth waiting for. I will admit I'm tired of waiting and I want you now. I don't know if you and me will ever be together and if you will ever feel the same way that I do about you. The reason I want you Ryan is because nobody has ever come close to the way you make me feel. No love has ever been like my love for you. Every relationship, every friends-with-benefits situation has always been me trying to fill the void of not having you. That is what I used to do back in high school and college. I'm over that now so now I cuddle and kiss my stuffed animal, but I want you, end of story. I find myself thinking of you constantly, engulfed by my thoughts of you. Wondering how you feel about me, wondering if I'm too broken or weird for you, wondering if I'm sexy enough for you, wondering if I'm just delusional and in love with an unrealistic fantasy. I distract myself by overstimulating myself with all this other shit so I don't have to feel the loneliness I feel. Then like tonight, when I have time to sit with it and I think of you, I get sad. I'm mourning the distant love we had from so long ago, our silent but beautiful love. I miss how everything felt back then. I miss looking for you in the hallway, I miss watching you walk into school, I miss seeing you and losing my mind, trying to find out what classes you had at the beginning of a new semester. I miss that high school puppy love and I miss when I could actually look at you. I think of that time we made out for hours and that was the most connected I felt anyone in my life. Nothing has ever been remotely like that ever since, not even close. I've dated others since I met you but still couldn't stop thinking about you. I don't know why my heart chose you Ryan, but it did. I can't let it go because I feel forever connected to you. It's not simple for me and I don't want to let you. Life has been very hard on me lately Ryan and I wish I didn't feel this way. Thinking that you could be there and that you do care about me keeps me going. I really hope this love isn't one sided. I will love you forever Ryan Kelly. I hope that you can be my partner one day, my husband. I can't do love unless it's with you, the love of my life. My fear is that I will be alone forever though and I would like a family one day. I need more purpose to my life than going to work and dying, I want to have a family one day. I want to build a family with you, I want to be a mother one day, but I want you to be the father. My dad abandoned this family and hurt us, so it's important to me to have a real dad if that ever happens. I know that is very important for you too. Anyways I'm crying writing this post because this is heavy and maybe sad. I want to keep dreaming Ryan, to shoot for the stars, and maybe me and you will happen. And as I am looking for a photo for this post I found an old yearbook photo of you, that just made me smile at the end of all of this. I love that awkward smile of yours from back in the day. I'm having that as the photo now. We were so young back then Ryan. I feel as if I've loved you for all my lifetime honestly. I can't really remember much about life before I met you. You are life....

xoxo-Court