I needed to rant

 Ryan, it's days like today where I really need you. I need a shoulder to cry on, someone to lean on. I need you. You bring me the most comfort, the most peace, out of any living being on this planet. My throat is getting worse and I went to urgent care and they didn't really have an answer for me other than to try not to talk. They recommended allergy medicine, which is weird, like I don't even have allergies so why would you prescribe me allergy meds. I don't know if I'm going to pick up the meds because I don't know if I really need them, or if shes just trying to recommend it for big pharma, who knows. I don't really trust doctors much since the whole system is designed to keep you sick. What is really going to heal me is not talking as much in general, just getting more quiet. I'm already making less calls at work and that still is not helping since I really think I need time off just to heal my throat. I wish I had sick time and didn't have to use PTO, and if I were to use PTO, it needs to be approved 2 days in advance. The whole culture at my work is to be workaholics as well and not take PTO like that so I would feel guilty maybe. My mom gave me this whole talk tonight that just made me feel like shit. She kept bringing up my dad and how I should go wallow with him and that I'm acting like him because he would want to quit a job after a few months. I NEVER said I wanted to quit right now, I know I have to put in my time here even though it sucks, so how am I acting me him. I told her that she is trying to trigger me and that I can't talk so why would you try to set me off like that. I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING DAD, he left and abandoned everyone and does not give a shit about anyone but himself. My mom brings him up so much, but it's like why are you bringing him up, he is nonexistent anymore. It's just stuff like that that pisses me off. Then she says "you don't have to wallow, you can flip a switch". Like do you not understand brain chemistry, I AM TRYING MY BEST! Depression is not that simple, I am really trying. And I'm only really depressed because of my throat, that's it. I am trying to not let it affect me but it's very hard when all I feel is pain day in and day out, that would make anyone depressed. I swear once I get a new job eventually I will get better, but for now this is how I am going to be some days. But my plan is to not talk to myself anymore or as much, keep talking to a minimum at work, and maybe take actual time off so I can let my throat fully recover. I don't know about the time off since they would question it, but at least not do as many calls. I've been hacking the system kind of to make it look like I'm doing more calls than what I've really been doing and that has helped. I just log every incoming call and call Wisconsin repo at least 5-10 times a day since they never pick up and there's no way to leave a VM. Wisconsin repo is a blessing and they have no idea lol. I'm honestly just trying my best and that's the best I can do. I think this sore throat is just bad, or a little worse than the other ones. My throat always hurts because of the job, but I don't want it to be that way. Why overextend yourself for a company that does not care about you and you are just a number. Why ruin my whole life and health over a job. That's why I'm stepping back for the first time and I have to say it feels good. Hopefully, once this sore throat clears up a little and I still remain with doing not too many calls, then I will be good. I think this sore throat is just whooping my ass and I know it's because I talked to myself in the car more last week, but I can't be doing that. Anyways this blog post is long but I just really needed to rant. I really am trying my best everyday and I am trying to remain strong. My mom thinks I'm not being strong enough, but fuck what she thinks because I really am trying. I think eventually things will get better. I saw 333, 444, and 555 today and I haven't seen angel numbers in a while so I'm excited to know that god is here for me. I wish I had a better relationship with god but I just don't pray like how I should. Sometimes I go for a long time without praying and then I don't know how to pray again since it's been a while, but I just need to pray. Let god save me. I really want to be better and just because I have a rough day does not mean I'm weak. I've went through a lot of shit in my life so I just need to make this job my bitch. Anyways if you made it to the end, thanks for reading. If this is Ryan reading this, I love so much, more than you will ever know. I know it's a hard time, but we will make it through. 

xoxo-Court