I'm trying to romantize my life

 I go to bed at night and I don't feel your presence like how I used to sometimes. I may just be falling asleep super quick so I don't know, but I miss you Ryan. Maybe you are letting me go...

I don't want to ever let you go Ryan. I know that maybe I'm hard to be with, maybe I'm weird, but at the end of the day I love you. All I want to do is snuggle up beside you every night and I want to feel your energy. I've been working on my mental health as well and I feel like I'm getting better and just trying to make the most out of things. I've realized Ryan that it's the small things that make me happy in life. 

My morning coffee, the way the sun comes into the sunroom in the morning with all my plants, the way the birds chirp and the cicadas make their noises while I take my dog on a morning walk, the smell of my essential oil diffuser while I'm taking a shower in the dark, and the way my room lights up at night with all my candles, making it look like a mystical victorian oasis. 

I'm trying to romanticize my life and it really is the small things that bring me joy. Whether you believe it or not, loving you brings me joy. Sometimes sadness, but mostly joy. I tell myself that even if you may not want me right now, maybe one day you will wake up and realize that I'm an amazing woman. I'm finding ways to be happy with myself, whether you love me or not. I'm trying to do things for me and it feels really good to prioritize my self-care. 

This new bob haircut makes me feel more like a real woman, the true woman I am, not someone hiding behind hair. This hair is the best cut for me because it represents my unique vintage vibe. This hair inspired me to snap out of my funk I've been in and to really start just living life and making the most out of shit. Even during the work week, I've found that playing with my stress ball and bouncing it around makes my work day better, it's the little things that make a difference I've found. 

I know you may be busy Ryan, so that may be why I haven't felt your presence lately, and I do know that you have a job in another city, so I'm trying to understand that element, but yes I really miss you. I miss your presence, you biting me at night, I miss my vampire. I know I have no proof that you are there, but I swear I feel like you could be. 

I don't want you to worry about me Ryan because I really do feel like things are getting better and this 3 day weekend really helped me feel recharged. I don't want you to worry about me. I know some days are harder than others, but I will make it. I mean the whole point of me living with my mom right now is to save money to pay off student loans and to save up for a house possibly. I think all of this will be worth it in the end because I'll get ahead in life. The system wants us to be broke and in debt, but by living here for a while, I can get ahead, and it will all be worth it. And you know I won't be having this same job forever, so I just have to get through it now even though it's just a mid-job. 

I find that writing in here does help with my mental health since I can get my thoughts out. I may start writing more in here. It won't always be about Ryan, but it can also be an everyday journal almost. We will see lol. I know I'm busy but I like the idea of that.