In my head

 I feel like I get in my head a lot when it comes to you. I really miss you and I'm just ready to come home for fall break so then at least the chance of you being there is higher. Mentally I feel like I'm stuck in a place that I already moved on from. Everyone out here in college is drinking or smoking and I just can't take part in that because it's not who I am anymore. I struggle mentally sometimes because I feel overwhelmed or out of place, or just sad that me and you aren't together.  I know I'm not that jacked up mentally, but I know I have some stuff to work on. I think it will just be good to go home for fall break and relax and see my puppy and my family. I can't wait for that. 

Me and Eric are back hanging out and I don't know how to feel about that either. He knows my feelings for you but still decides to be there. I think it's nice to at least have someone there, just in case I am just crazy. But It's sad because when I'm with him because I just imagine that it's you instead. Wishing that everything was with you. The company that Eric brings is nice, but at the same time can make me sad. Every time me & Eric have sex I just think of you the whole time, and then I feel sad after because I just wish it was with you instead. I feel guilty for giving him my body when he's not even the person I want to give it to, but I do it anyways because I'm always horny. It's bad but I do it. Eric will only be around for the rest of college though, then after I graduate that whole thing will be pretty much done for. So in the grand scheme of things, that whole Eric thing is short-term. If Ryan does know about me & Eric though I wonder how he feels. I just hope it doesn't hurt him, but I could see how maybe it could. That's why I'm so unsure about the whole thing. 

I always saw you as long-term Ryan. But I just wonder why you can't message me back on Facebook, and sometimes it seems like my feelings go unnoticed. Sometimes I feel unwanted because I feel like if you really wanted me then we would just be together already. But maybe the timing has to be right or something. I just know my heart aches for you every day. I think of you constantly, you are so ingrained in my mind that it's like you left a stamp on me, forever embedding me to you. I just wish I knew how you felt about everything. I think knowing how you feel and just knowing more about you would help me out a lot. I want to notice your feelings, but I know in reality I'll never really know how you feel, and that makes me sad.

Sometimes I feel like me loving you is all for nothing because you could just see me as some crazy girl from high school still. I just wish I knew the real truth, and it drives me crazy not knowing how you feel. It's just been a hard week and I try not to feel down, but I know I do. I'm just in a weird place and I'm remaining sober even with all this pressure. My neighbor wanted to go to the tailgate with me and offered me a shot but I just couldn't mentally do that. I know I have to stay on this good path I'm on and not divert. I need to stay strong, and even though I have my rough days I still want to believe in myself. I want to believe in us, despite me thinking I'm crazy. I love you more than anything in this world Ryan. I can't wait to possibly lay with you again once I'm back home for fall break. 

& please never give up in me. I know it's hard for you too, but stay strong. I'm trying to sort out my life as best as possible but I also know I'm not perfect either. 

I love you❤️

xoxo-Courtney