I'm Sorry Ryan

 Me and Eric ended up somehow back together (not dating tho) and I don't know if it's right or not. I can't help feeling like I hurt you, Ryan. I know I could just be crazy and thinking that you could be there doesn't even seem real to me. I feel like I'm always battling shit in my mind, always feeling like a fuck up. Part of me is like if he is there how would he feel about me and Eric having sex and all that again, then the other part in my mind is like "oh you're just fucking crazy Courtney, Ryan doesn't even love you". Then I'm stuck in the middle where I don't know what to do and I'm upset at myself for being in the middle. I'm not gonna lie, I do like Eric and I like being around him. It's good to at least have someone around because I could just be crazy. At least knowing one person cares about you is good in case I am just mentally Ill. In reality, I know I don't want him fr like that, he's not up to my standards for long-term relationships. I know deep down all I've ever wanted is you, Ryan. Everyone will always just be a placeholder to me. I know I desire you at the end of the day. I cry for you multiple times a week because, in reality, I'm just sad I can't have you. Imagining you being in love with another girl makes me sad. I just wish I knew if you were there or not so it would make things easier. I love you so much and I am just always grasping onto the thought that maybe you could be there and love me too, but it just seems so unrealistic and I think I am actually schizophrenic or something. I'm sorry if I hurt you because I was never trying to. When I hurt you, I hurt myself too, because thinking about hurting you makes me feel hurt inside too. You are the most precious thing to me even if I'm just in love with my mind. Either way, Eric will be gone after college but I still don't know if me messing around with him and stuff is right, while I'm still in college. My thing is I don't want to fuck up what me and Ryan have, nothing or no one will ever be worth that. So here I am, sad, and not knowing what to do. I hate this shit....